The daunting question

So lately, I’ve been asked similar questions over and over again. It’s not just my parents that have been asking, but rather society has asked similar questions when someone is towards their end of their undergraduate career. It goes like this, “So what are you doing to do after you graduate?” “Do you have an idea on what you’re doing?” “Where do you see yourself in 5 to 10 years?” and the questions goes on and on.

To be honest, I have no idea. I feel like I have been asked this question when I was ready to walk across that stage in front of over 2000 people in a hockey arena four years ago. At that point, it wasn’t even a question that I would be going into my post-secondary education. It just made sense. Not because 80% of my peers did, but it just made sense. I just knew that I needed to get away from the competitiveness, the chaotic, and mindblowing environment that I have been born and raised into for 18 years that I realized I needed to get away from home. I’m not the one that likes security for an extended period. I live for adventures, being spontaneous, and that sense of adrenaline running down your body. I live for all of those moments because those are the moments where I have learned about myself and what I am capable of doing. I knew that having to move away from that I would gain that sense of independence that my parents have taught me, but would never allow me to pursue. I remember having to tell them that I was moving for school, and their hearts would break. They would do anything to make sure that I would be as close to them as possible. Even when I got that scholarship to UOttawa, they were heartbroken that their little girl was leaving. But having to make that sacrifice and ending up in Victoria was probably the best/worst decision. (Depending on the day) I keep asking myself every day, did I make the right choice here? What would my life be like had I just went with my dreams and just went off to Ottawa? As much as my made my ultimate decision, these are the questions that have been in the back of my head since the very beginning. After moving to Victoria on that warm September afternoon, it didn’t hit me that it was happening. When you think about it, Victoria and Vancouver isn’t too far at all. Well let’s see if you did that commute as much as I did, then we’ll talk about it. I had my fears for the longest times that I would commute home twice a month. It got even more insane in my third year at UVic when I commuted home every weekend for 9 months to run away from my fears of having to deal with school, I have finally realized that I’m not that kid anymore that my parents have raised. I feel that the only way I was going to get over my fears after the “Incident” is that I needed to stay grounded and just keep going. If you’ve watched “Finding Nemo,” you would know that saying “Just Keep Swimming.” Well, that has been my way of getting through my fourth year. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I see is that painting on my wall, “Make it happen.” Sure I haven’t been able to fulfill some of the goals I have set myself because of my busy lifestyle. But you just have to find a way to make things happen. And after months of being in Victoria, I have realized that I have gotten over my fears that I have been living with for over the past 12 months.

Now the question is am I finally letting my guards down, am I ready to just say the heck with it, I’m just going to finish up what I have started here four years ago and leave. I do not want to go back to that old life that I had. And as much as I get homesick at times, I feel that it is time to slowly let go of all the negativity that surrounds back home and make this place my new home. I guess that since I’m taking another year of schooling to figure my life together, that I know that the friends that have helped me go through one of the toughest times of my life. It isn’t easy to pack your bags and move from a place that I’ve called home for 18 years. It wasn’t easy to ultimately change my decision of not going to my dream school. It wasn’t easy to see my parents cry after leaving me in my dorm during my first year at UVic. It wasn’t easy to go through sleepless nights, being anxious and endure my panic attacks. It wasn’t easy to get your heartbroken. It wasn’t easy to heal and realize what just happened during that moment. It wasn’t easy to find out that someone in your inner circle had betrayed you when they know that your biggest fear is trusting people. I’ve been told that “I go out of my way to make sure that I avoid any everlasting impact situation,” and that “I have a big heart for doing so.” I guess I don’t notice it, but it hurts me inside to know that my friends that I love dear to my heart are going through pain and that I need to be there for them. I never ask for help because I hate having to show my inner circle the things I am going through. I guess I’m not the only one who feels that way. But after what happened within the year that I have those friends to lean on for that. Anyways, I guess the next step is to really figure out what is the million dollar question. If it means that I’m going to have to jump out of a plane to figure that out, I’m ready for that adventure. If that means that I’m going to get through my trust issues, I’ll do whatever it takes to get through it so that I can be on top of that mountain.

B

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